No one can prepare you for the feeling of grief. I’ve decided to let myself write and avoid editing of any kind. This is raw and original. Adding thoughts here and there. We’re starting on Wednesday morning.
Wednesday 10:33 am. At the moment, my thoughts are completely scattered and I can’t focus at all. I feel numb. I can’t cry aside from a few little chocked up moments. I either over sleep or don’t sleep at all. I’ve averaged 8 hours a night, but that starts from 14 hours the first night and 2 last night.
I’ve been at work. But I haven’t worked. I was able to keep busy for a while when I had a trainee on Monday, but once I completed my tasks and came to work alone, the world felt very empty. All I’ve done is scroll through reels and play Words with Friends, which for some reason I’ve gotten sort of good at. I watched a movie. Those who know me know I rarely just sit and watch movies. I got to hug a dog today. I teared up a bit, but still didn’t cry. I want to cry.
I currently have five tabs open on my laptop. Plus my Outlook app. On my work computer, I have seven web tabs open, along with Word, Teams, my hard drive file explorer and Outlook, again. Why am I writing this? This portion definitely does not matter. Sorry, definitely is a filler word. Like I said, I cannot focus. But I’m also trying to let the ADHD fly and just write anything that comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I always have it. However, on a typical day, it’s manageable for me to not sound like a complete dufus all day. I keep darting back and forth among all of these tabs. My mind feels like that too. I go from having 12 tabs and 7 programs running at once then they all of a sudden freeze. Not on the computers, but in my mind. I thought coffee would help, but it’s not doing anything other than keep me awake. Of course, I’m at work so I need that.
I’m going to do something else for a while then come back.
12:42 pm: I couldn’t do much else. I’ve been writing to myself a lot on messenger. It’s private. It’s for me. Things that I will never share because they are mean. Or some stupid stuff that just makes me chuckle. I was trying to figure out what font I’d be. Why is that entertaining? I don’t know. Things I wish I could say to someone before they pass. But I never will. They’re not nice. I’ve been hurt, I don’t want to hurt them back. How is that productive? I’m trying so hard to focus on work, but my mind keeps wandering now. It was blank before. I think the caffeine is starting to kick in, but it’s not going in the right direction.
I want to leave work. My job is awesome and most days I’m good at my job. Today is not one of those. It’s just a bad day. There’s a valid reason for it. Right? Maybe there’s no good reason. Maybe I’m searching for excuses. I hurt. My back is sore, I’m nauseous, I have a headache. I’m not hungry but I want to eat. I got a donut this morning. I want to eat it. It smells great, but I have no desire to take it out of the bag at all.
The thing I want to do most is sing. I can’t even get words out without gravel. Can’t seem to tell of that’s remaining bronchitis or grief. Possibly both. Still frustrating as hell.
9:46 pm: I left work early. Papa and Tommas came to pick me up. I felt like I was going to throw up, I didn’t feel comfortable driving. I feel silly. Overdramatic. I am not the person most affected by this. I don’t want to make it all about me. It’s not all about me. I feel selfish. I want to make sure everyone else is okay. I finally cried. I went to the bathroom during my lunch break and heard a sad song. It hit like a bus. I can’t even remember the song. It was irrelevant, but the tune was somber.
Thursday 8:59 pm: Today was better. Not good. Better. Quiet. Very lowkey. No crying, but I think the emptiness and numbness has resumed its’ post. I think this is where I’ll call it on the piece. Thank you to whoever took the time to read it. Now that my mind is clearer, I would like to write more of a sentiment. It doesn’t compare to some of the posts I’ve seen on Facebook, but it’s my tribute.
As many of you know, my cousin Robyn passed away recently. Our family is devasted. Quite a few folks have posted pictures, written lovely messages on Facebook, even started fundraisers and memorial service planning. I’ve felt a bit lost. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced grief and it has been a roller coaster. Like I say below, no one could have prepared me for this feeling, no matter who has gone through it and tried to explain. I do want to make it very clear that I know I was not the person most affected by this loss. However, Robyn was such a bright light in everyone’s lives and it has been so heartbreaking figuring out ways to say goodbye. On Wednesday, I forced myself to get up and go to work and face real life again. You’ll read throughout how I spiraled. Re-reading and reflecting on what I wrote, I still don’t want to change or edit anything. These are the exact thoughts I was feeling in the moment while I was writing and I don’t want that to be washed out.
Robyn will be missed by everyone who knew her. Family members, coworkers, the families of her kids and community all knew how wonderful she was. I know I wasn’t the closest to her, not by a long shot. Robyn was someone who was always super supportive. When her kids wanted to sing in a talent show, she thought of me to play the guitar even though, let’s face it, I’m not very good. I definitely wasn’t good eight years ago. I just looked at the Facebook video she shared, it was almost exactly eight years ago. January 29th of 2014. She helped me with my hair when I had a performance. She watched my music videos more than anyone, and often times left a comment. When I was posted my Virtual Concert, she was one of the only people who watched the entire thing. I was so grateful. I still am. I’ve tried to record myself singing Sugar Rush by Dreamstreet, but I haven’t quite gotten in down. I’ll work on it. That’s a song she and the girls sang in the car with me all the time and I learned it fast, so I could sing along. I remember spending a lot of time with them when they were going through a rough time, back when Madison and Haley were quite little. We were all together during some rough circumstances, but I’m so glad I got that time anyway.
I haven’t been able to find any pictures of just Robyn and me. There are a few blurry pictures from my first Christmas, but that’s about it. Now, there never will be. That part hits hard. People get on my case about taking too many pictures all the time. This is why. And I didn’t get that chance with Robyn and it sucks. It hurts. I wish I had more mementoes of her.
Thank you to anyone who’s taken the time to read this. It’s a lot of nonsense, but like I stated before; this is a very raw version of how my mind was running.
Phoebe Dyer Portfolio 