My birthday this year was so great. It was simple. That’s what I wanted. I worked on Friday then went to my cousin’s cheering performance. That was a blast to watch. On Saturday, I got up super early to go watch the sunrise at Willard beach. Jackson, Amelya, and Nick joined me and it was a great time! We walked the beach, found some cool rocks and shells, and then went to Dunkin.

I wanted to document the beach trip as much as I could, so here is my version of a vlog/music video. I hope you feel the fun and silliness through the video. Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday and/or celebrated with me!

I spend a lot of time mentioning how much I love my job and how grateful I am to be here. I’ve worked at concerts, cool events, met amazing people, and I recorded a segment that ran on air! If you’re a fan of our top stations, Coast 93.1 or WPOR Today’s Country, you might have heard me without even realizing it.

One of our producers approached me with a script of ten fun facts about Maine and asked if I would record them. I was blown away. I got a chance to go into the studio and get recorded for this segment. The ten facts were cycled through on all eight of our stations!

Here are some of the recordings! Did you hear me on the radio?

I’m actually proud of myself right now. Crazy concept, right? I have been working really hard on getting my website running, getting content ready to post, and recording. I’ve been grinding on this for a couple months now and I’m enjoying it a lot! However, I’ve been developing some unhealthy habits and needed to check myself. I took this weekend to actually focus on that. I hadn’t taken a day off in nearly four weeks.

Friday was one of the busiest days I’ve ever had. PRG hosted the Wicked Winter Jam event at Aura! As part of the promotions team, I got to help with this event. It was a very long, tiring, FUN day. It started by getting to work at 8:00am, as usual, but I didn’t get home until almost 10:30pm. The work for me consisted of getting supplies and equipment together, driving the van to and from the venue, setting up decorations, and standing out in the cold to hand out posters. These may sound like complaints, but I promise they’re not. It was a blast. The best part was I got to share a good portion of this with Tommas. He volunteered with the street team crew and joined us at the event. I’m so grateful I get to do stuff like this!

On Saturday, I took the day to decompress. I had actually written in my calendar: DO NOT ADD ANYTHING TO THIS DAY. And I didn’t. I did a few loads of laundry, played the Sims, and we ordered pizza for dinner. The most I accomplished was going to pick it up. I was going a bit stir crazy at first, but after a while I could tell that I really needed that break.

Sunday was a tough day, but a day of healing. We said goodbye to Robyn. It was an overwhelming afternoon. I don’t have the right words for it, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s so hard to express how incredible it was to see such a filled space. I was an hour and fifteen minutes early to the service and we still had some trouble parking. I’m glad we were early. As time went on, the room got so crowded. We eventually moved from our seats to the floor so others would have a place to sit. It was standing room only. Even at that, there were several people out in the foyer due to how packed that place was. I watched people who hate each other hug each other. I watched strangers eyes fill with tears. I probably only knew 25% of the guests. I held my cousins. My best friend held me. We all laughed and cried together. I think everyone felt Robyn’s hug to all of us. We know she is no longer in pain and we know she is living her best, second life.

As my late night ramblings come to an end, I want to express my gratitude to everyone. Everyone who has been following my portfolio, who attended Robyn’s service, and everyone who left me alone on Saturday so I could rest, haha.

Now that I’ve had a chance to rest and refresh, content will be back to a better schedule. I’m still working out the kinks of that and figuring out what works for me. Thank you for all your support.

We’re on a roll now right? Playing catch up in February because I missed an upload in January? You bet. Here’s the second song of the year, even though it should’ve been earlier, but that’s okay. New Years Resolutions aren’t about perfection, they’re about improvement, right? That’s the story I’m sticking with.

Continuing with the theme of love, I chose Forever and Ever, Amen. It’s fun tune with loving lyrics. Send this to someone you love!

Listen Here!

For my birthday, weather permitting, I would love to get a group of folks to join me in watching the sunrise at Willard Beach in South Portland. On Saturday Feb. 10th, the day after my birthday, the sun is set to rise at 6:43 am and I’d love to see it. Could we meet around 6:30? I’m usually up before the sun for work, but it’s been a while since I’ve gotten to really watch and enjoy it. I also wanna look at rocks lol.

It feels so good to sing again! I said I was going to post a new song each month of this year. I’ve already fallen behind. Even though there were completely valid circumstances, I’m still kicking myself for not getting a song out in January. Since January was so rough, I want to keep February light and full of love, as it’s meant to. February is typically a season of love, so let’s sing about it. Being held back from singing for so long has been heartbreaking, but it’s been so wonderful to get back into it. I’m nowhere near where I was before getting sick, but I’m trying to be patient.

Aerosmith is my all time favorite band. I’ve loved this group since I was about eleven years old. Steven Tyler has a powerful voice I can only aspire for. I will never have the strength or range he does, but it’s still fun to pretend sometimes. This song has been in my repertoire for years. I’ve performed it at school, church, online, even in the shower by myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be done with it. You could probably search back and find five or six different versions of me singing this. Here is my latest rendition of I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith.

Click here to listen to the first song of 2024!

Here‘s an older version of the same song. Check out the (hopeful) improvements!

This song was performed several years back at an Easter service at Faith Lutheran Church. My friend, Jane, shared this poem on Facebook the other day and I felt it was a nice time to share this again. The recording is a bit fuzzy, old iPod from 7 years ago lol. Maybe I’ll try to re-record this one. The original poem is below, as well as the video link. Enjoy.

Do not stand    By my grave, and weep, I am not there,    I do not sleep– I am the thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints in snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle, autumn rain. As you awake with morning’s hush, I am the swift, up-flinging rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the day transcending night. Do not stand    By my grave, and cry– I am not there, I did not die.

Click HERE to watch!

No one can prepare you for the feeling of grief. I’ve decided to let myself write and avoid editing of any kind. This is raw and original. Adding thoughts here and there. We’re starting on Wednesday morning.

Wednesday 10:33 am. At the moment, my thoughts are completely scattered and I can’t focus at all. I feel numb. I can’t cry aside from a few little chocked up moments. I either over sleep or don’t sleep at all. I’ve averaged 8 hours a night, but that starts from 14 hours the first night and 2 last night.

I’ve been at work. But I haven’t worked. I was able to keep busy for a while when I had a trainee on Monday, but once I completed my tasks and came to work alone, the world felt very empty. All I’ve done is scroll through reels and play Words with Friends, which for some reason I’ve gotten sort of good at. I watched a movie. Those who know me know I rarely just sit and watch movies. I got to hug a dog today. I teared up a bit, but still didn’t cry. I want to cry.

I currently have five tabs open on my laptop. Plus my Outlook app. On my work computer, I have seven web tabs open, along with Word, Teams, my hard drive file explorer and Outlook, again. Why am I writing this? This portion definitely does not matter. Sorry, definitely is a filler word. Like I said, I cannot focus. But I’m also trying to let the ADHD fly and just write anything that comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I always have it. However, on a typical day, it’s manageable for me to not sound like a complete dufus all day. I keep darting back and forth among all of these tabs. My mind feels like that too. I go from having 12 tabs and 7 programs running at once then they all of a sudden freeze. Not on the computers, but in my mind. I thought coffee would help, but it’s not doing anything other than keep me awake. Of course, I’m at work so I need that.

I’m going to do something else for a while then come back.

12:42 pm: I couldn’t do much else. I’ve been writing to myself a lot on messenger. It’s private. It’s for me. Things that I will never share because they are mean. Or some stupid stuff that just makes me chuckle. I was trying to figure out what font I’d be. Why is that entertaining? I don’t know. Things I wish I could say to someone before they pass. But I never will. They’re not nice. I’ve been hurt, I don’t want to hurt them back. How is that productive? I’m trying so hard to focus on work, but my mind keeps wandering now. It was blank before. I think the caffeine is starting to kick in, but it’s not going in the right direction.

I want to leave work. My job is awesome and most days I’m good at my job. Today is not one of those. It’s just a bad day. There’s a valid reason for it. Right? Maybe there’s no good reason. Maybe I’m searching for excuses. I hurt. My back is sore, I’m nauseous, I have a headache. I’m not hungry but I want to eat. I got a donut this morning. I want to eat it. It smells great, but I have no desire to take it out of the bag at all.

The thing I want to do most is sing. I can’t even get words out without gravel. Can’t seem to tell of that’s remaining bronchitis or grief. Possibly both. Still frustrating as hell.

9:46 pm: I left work early. Papa and Tommas came to pick me up. I felt like I was going to throw up, I didn’t feel comfortable driving. I feel silly. Overdramatic. I am not the person most affected by this. I don’t want to make it all about me. It’s not all about me. I feel selfish. I want to make sure everyone else is okay. I finally cried. I went to the bathroom during my lunch break and heard a sad song. It hit like a bus. I can’t even remember the song. It was irrelevant, but the tune was somber.

Thursday 8:59 pm: Today was better. Not good. Better. Quiet. Very lowkey. No crying, but I think the emptiness and numbness has resumed its’ post. I think this is where I’ll call it on the piece. Thank you to whoever took the time to read it. Now that my mind is clearer, I would like to write more of a sentiment. It doesn’t compare to some of the posts I’ve seen on Facebook, but it’s my tribute.

As many of you know, my cousin Robyn passed away recently. Our family is devasted. Quite a few folks have posted pictures, written lovely messages on Facebook, even started fundraisers and memorial service planning. I’ve felt a bit lost. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced grief and it has been a roller coaster. Like I say below, no one could have prepared me for this feeling, no matter who has gone through it and tried to explain. I do want to make it very clear that I know I was not the person most affected by this loss. However, Robyn was such a bright light in everyone’s lives and it has been so heartbreaking figuring out ways to say goodbye. On Wednesday, I forced myself to get up and go to work and face real life again. You’ll read throughout how I spiraled. Re-reading and reflecting on what I wrote, I still don’t want to change or edit anything. These are the exact thoughts I was feeling in the moment while I was writing and I don’t want that to be washed out.

Robyn will be missed by everyone who knew her. Family members, coworkers, the families of her kids and community all knew how wonderful she was. I know I wasn’t the closest to her, not by a long shot. Robyn was someone who was always super supportive. When her kids wanted to sing in a talent show, she thought of me to play the guitar even though, let’s face it, I’m not very good. I definitely wasn’t good eight years ago. I just looked at the Facebook video she shared, it was almost exactly eight years ago. January 29th of 2014. She helped me with my hair when I had a performance. She watched my music videos more than anyone, and often times left a comment. When I was posted my Virtual Concert, she was one of the only people who watched the entire thing. I was so grateful. I still am. I’ve tried to record myself singing Sugar Rush by Dreamstreet, but I haven’t quite gotten in down. I’ll work on it. That’s a song she and the girls sang in the car with me all the time and I learned it fast, so I could sing along. I remember spending a lot of time with them when they were going through a rough time, back when Madison and Haley were quite little. We were all together during some rough circumstances, but I’m so glad I got that time anyway.

I haven’t been able to find any pictures of just Robyn and me. There are a few blurry pictures from my first Christmas, but that’s about it. Now, there never will be. That part hits hard. People get on my case about taking too many pictures all the time. This is why. And I didn’t get that chance with Robyn and it sucks. It hurts. I wish I had more mementoes of her.

Thank you to anyone who’s taken the time to read this. It’s a lot of nonsense, but like I stated before; this is a very raw version of how my mind was running.

What teenage girl wasn’t a One Direction fan in 2014? I certainly was. This is such a pretty song with excellent harmonies. That’s hard to achieve alone, but with the power of technology, I was able to accomplish some of it; on a much smaller scale, of course. This is another song that was included in my virtual concert last March.

Watch Here!